Create in Me a Clean Heart

Until I got pregnant with my daughter in June of 2011, I had lived a very bad life. I'm not sure "bad" is even the right word. I think the right word would be "sinful." Don't get me wrong it was fun, but looking back I wish so many things would've been done differently. But isn't that something we all look back and think about some things? It's just part of life.

I drank.. a LOT.
I smoked.
I cursed like a sailor.
I got a DUI.
I did not wait until my first marriage to have sex.
I married and divorced someone God very clearly did not choose for me.
I lived with my current husband before we were married.
I chose to get pregnant out of wedlock.
I stayed away from the church out of pure rebellion and resentment.

I am no saint.

I took MY LIFE, which is not something I even deserved, and took it completely for granted.

I'm telling you all this just to say that I KNOW what I did in my past. There have been moments where I have been laying in bed and have a flashback of something I had done and I literally get sick to my stomach. I wish there were some way that I could completely erase it out of my brain because to think I was ever that person just kills me.

When I had my baby girl, my entire life changed. Actually, it changed when I found out I was having her. But until I actually HAD her and held her in my arms I knew that I wanted to be the best mother I could be. I want to also live a more Godly life so that she will see me as an example of how she should be and should want to be. Mind you, I grew up in church. Growing up, my family went every time the doors were open. That mixed with a couple of things that happened in my childhood, caused me to turn and rebel against Church once I was finally out of my parent's house.

I knew that I wanted to make a pretty big change when I met a few fellow stay-at-home moms here on base. I would say they are my best friends here. They are also very good role models of what a good, Christian friend, wife, and mother should be without being all in-your-face-quoting-scripture-24/7-overboard with it. But just being told "Sometimes you just have to pray about it and give it to Him." is exactly what I needed to hear. Even deciding to start living a better life, I don't plan to attend church every single Sunday. I would like to start going, though. My hubby has to work on Sundays a lot and so he takes the car. However, I have started attending the women's bible study here on my base every Tuesday. It is wonderful and my daughter gets to spend time with other kids in the nursery.

I am having some trouble letting go of the "You're not worthy" feeling while sitting there in Bible study. Like I have no right to sit there because of the life I used to live. I know I am surrounded by women who, at some point, probably did some of the same things. But it is tough when I am trying to live a better life because I WANT TO not because it looks good or because I think I'm better than anyone, but because I genuinely want to lead a good, Christian life and example for my family. I hate being blatantly reminded of how I used to live by those who know me. I think that is very wrong and not what I need in a "support system." When I mention that I have started going to a Bible study and being told "You're the biggest hypocrite of them all." is very painful because I KNOW, but I am trying to change.

I refuse to give up. One thing that was made clear in a book that I have just read is that it is a constant battle to live a Christian life. And I can attest to that. That's why I stayed away from the church all those years. It was just easier and "more fun" to party and sin without a care in the world. Not thinking that at any point I could have my life taken from me.

I want the past to stay in my past. I know I'm no Mother Teresa, but there is nothing wrong with someone wanting to start fresh and live a better life for their family.

And that is what I plan to do :)

"I ain't as good as I'm gonna get. But I'm better than I used to be." --Tim McGraw


xoxo,

Sleepless in Los Angeles